A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES
THE LAME PLAN
THE CRAZY PLAN
THE BOOTY PLAN
THE HOOK-UP PLAN
Come on, reply...
Girls?
Shall I text again?
No!
She's waiting for the man-whore to reply. What do we do now?
I don't know. I'm no expert in couples, as you know.
Maybe Jules would be OK with sending her a free text.
Nice but to the point: "Sorry, it's not going to work out."
Want her to top herself?
I don't get it. My plan was pure genius.
No, it was pure shit. Sex is not the answer to everything.
How would you know? You're, like, 40-months pregnant.
Quite the opposite, actually. Antoine and I have non-stop sex.
Can you wait for me?
I think I'm having an anxiety heart attack.
The guy is totally ghosting me. I'm pathetic.
He should be the one pining for a reply.
- It's not your fault! - It is! I'm the problem, he must pity me.
I'm not even mad at him, at least he was polite.
Come on, reply!
- Hello. - Hello.
- Can I help you, sir? - Leave it, I'll serve him.
Sir?
Bûche du Poitou.
Sorry, we sold out this morning.
From the same region...
I have a delicious Chabichou.
Just outside, in the van.
I'll be right back! Follow me. Sorry.
Come on!
Other people's lives are so much better.
Mine just sucks...
- Hang on, are you on Instagram? - Yeah.
Great move. Best remedy for depression. Why not visit Gisele's profile?
The aquarium?!
Max and his whore went to the aquarium?
- Stop stalking them! - But I'm the one who loves sharks!
It's so sexy.
I bet they couldn't wait to have sex.
I bet they did it by the dolphin tank and it was amazing...
Whoa, stop!
Stop.
Remember showing us his cum face? It was awful.
Oh, yeah.
All right, enough.
- Three skims! - Honestly...
"Littttttlebird."
"Passionately curious." So fake. Loser's version of Brangelina.
To me, it means, "I suck dicks."
- Yeah, totally. - Yeah.
- Three skims, for real. - Yes.
- Oh, fuck. - What?
What's up?
They're engaged.
- Max and Gaïa. - What?!
No...
She was supposed to be a one-night stand, not his future wife.
- Elsa, stop! - Hey, babe...
He'll cheat on her, too, poor girl. Men don't change.
Absolutely, and that ring? Seriously, it's gross.
I bet it's from Target...
How do you...
How long have you known?
- Not long, like, a week. - Yeah.
- A month, max. - Less, less.
Yeah, like, totally less.
Elsa, wait!
Elsa, we're sorry.
Am I that pathetic for you not to tell me?
- It's not just us, everyone knew. - What?
Matt's a groomsman, he could have told you.
You know what? Go fu...
Shit, Elsa!
Are you OK?
- Elsa? - Leave me alone!
Do you hate us?
Yes.
Come on, sweetie.
I'm screwed, anyway.
No point in toning my ass.
Call the man-whore.
- This is the work of a psychopath. - All right!
Fuck. Obviously, it's the most expensive.
What a pain.
Please. I had to take Gaïa and her nephew to the aquarium this morning.
No, no, no. He kept trying to punch me in the balls.
And ended up being sick on me. Look, I had to buy a new shirt.
Don't laugh, it cost me 26 euros.
I bet he did it on purpose, too.
- Kids are a pain. - You're going to be a good godfather!
When are we seeing their lawyers? I don't care if it's the weekend!
OK.
Well, tell them that.
OK, great. Yeah.
Keep me posted. OK, Philippe, thanks a lot.
- What's up? - Nothing, just a fuck-up at work.
- Oh, fuck. - What?
Elsa knows about the wedding.
Well, at least now she knows.
- How did she take it? - I don't know.
Poor girl.
Hey, it's cool.
I think she's met someone.
Oh, cool.
Crazy, right?
The guy texts me just as I'm giving up on life.
"What about tonight?"
See, he was just thinking about what to say.
Sorry, girls, I'm such a pain.
- Whatever, shall we go? - Wanna climb up?
- Is it serious with this new guy? - No idea.
She might stop stalking me and sending me nudes at 5 a.m.
- It will give Gaïa and me a break. - That's cool, right?
Totally.
No, the stroller's on us.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You don't have to, guys. - Of course we do.
Gift from the godparents. It's a thing, right?
- A grand? - Yeah.
Come on, pull out the Infinite.
Shit! I forgot it at the hotel. Can you lend me the money?
- Yeah. - Shit.
Sorry.
- Thanks so much, guys. - You're welcome, man. Really.
- How far is your hotel? We could... - I'll pay you back, don't worry!
I'm not worried.
Just seeing their expression, it moves me, you know?
All this cheese! It must have cost you a fortune, darling!
Not at all, it's a gift from a client. A cheesemonger whose accounts I did.
You must have done some really good work.
I told Angèle you were self-employed.
- She was really impressed. - Thanks, Mom.
- You're not working too much? - I keep telling him.
Evenings, weekends, he doesn't stop. His work rhythm...He's a beast.
Oh, darling. Your dad would be so proud of you in this beautiful suit.
Such beautiful fabric. It can't have been cheap.
I'm glad you like it.
- Anita, some Chabichou? - Right!
No, I'll go for some bûche du Poitou.
It's been a while.
And you, sweetie?
No.
Guys, you're crazy! Thanks so much for the stroller.
That's what godparents are for.
- And Matthieu is loaded! - Stop it.
It's true, though. What's a grand to you? An hour's work?
Nice gesture, we appreciate it.
For some, earning money isn't a source of Judeo-Christian shame.
Hand me the list.
That's...
What's this thing?
It says it right there. A breast pump.
It's manual so it doesn't damage your breasts.
It wasn't on the list.
It's for after you give birth.
Who said I'd breastfeed?
I'm not a cow! For fuck's sake. Do I look like a cow?
- No. - No...
So?
- Milou, are you OK? - No, I'm not OK!
You want us to eat the placenta, too?
We're not in LA. Let's all eat placenta!
Welcome. Placenta dinner party. Placenta for everyone!
I think we're going to leave.
How can you not follow an Excel list?
- We're off now. - Thanks, guys.
- Bye! - Thanks for the stroller!
It's beautiful.
It's OK, I'll handle it.
How can you go from Barack Obama to Donald Trump so quickly?
Physically?
I mean, personality-wise.
She's living with a watermelon in her belly, I'd be bad-tempered too.
- Happy to see you. - Stop it!
But you love it, buddy.
- Not in the lift. - Happy to see you.
- Stop! - It's tight in here.
Tonight, at the station bar Igor is down, feeling blue
Always having a brew
As his Katie, his pretty Katie
She just chucked him out His Katie chucked him out
And he's drawn a blank
This old grand duke with his schemes...
They just love me singing Boby Lapointe.
I know.
Hey, Mom, for the bills.
- Thank you! - I'll put it here.
So sweet of you, darling, thank you.
Here, don't forget the pica pau, your dad's recipe.
Yes, and we'll finish it.
Well, if there are any leftovers, just invite some friends over.
- Or a girlfriend. - Well played, Inspector.
At this rate, I'm not getting any grandkids.
I'll give you loads of grandkids, Anita.
- New girlfriend? - Every day.
- But I want him to get a girlfriend! - Mom...
- We're off. - Bye, darlings.
Thanks, Anita, for the thing.
- See you soon, bye! - See you soon!
Bye, Mom.
Liars! There are no 5-mm screws in this box!
The guy who invented this thing has to be a Swedish kitten-killing psychopath!
You talking to me?
No. Not specifically.
I didn't know we were talking again.
Wood floor or carpet upstairs?
You might have to tell Charlotte you want her room back first.
Why me? She's your sister.
But she's your bestie and it's your parents' flat.
We have enough space as it is and we'll be co-sleeping anyway.
- Co-what? - Co-sleeping.
Sleeping with the baby.
No way.
Babies make little noises, shit themselves.
Separate bedrooms.
OK.
Where are you going?
To work.
Or is that too degrading for you?
Yeah...
OK...
You can't be a Real Madrid supporter. We're in France!
- Liberté, égalité, PSG. - But they're so much more technical!
Red Stars are the most technical. But that's another level!
I can't wear this.
I'll look like his mother.
You'll be wearing contacts. And looking like his mom could be a turn-on.
Was there not a Greek perv who wanted to screw his mom?
Yes, Oedipus. But he only found out after screwing her that she was his mom.
He poked out his eyes. Moral of the story: be careful of who you sleep with.
That was ages ago.
I checked, Jules isn't your mom. Go for it.
Try this one on?
- This? - Yeah.
Can I help you?
No, I don't think so.
I can see you.
Have you seen this? It might have been worn by someone ugly. Or dead.
Be grateful I'm even interested.
That's a fair price.
And have you seen what that dress does to my BFF?
Let's get out of here, I'll let you hire my clothes.
- This place is lame. - Hire your clothes?
Times are hard, honey.
OK, bye!
Hey!
Sorry, I...
I'll pay for the dress and her top.
I'll just go get my things.
I should hope so.
CORPORATE LAWYERS
Come on!
Cheers to hormones!
One...
two...
There's some left. Sorry!
- I'm sorry. - Stop.
What's crazy about clownfish is that, when they're born...
they're all born male.
You know, male...
like...
with a willy.
And so, you basically have this male-only family.
What's really amazing is that all these fish you can see,
they're from different species but all end up in the same microcosm...
in order to...
Did I freak you out with my clownfish obsession?
- You're not saying anything, are you OK? - Yeah, fine.
It's my dress.
It's too much.
Not at all, you look pretty.
Everyone else is underdressed.
Look, they're pretty comfortable with their style.
- True, they're pretty sexy. - You're sexy.
What I want is to see you lose the dress.
Want to take a photo with the jellyfish?
- Yeah. - Let's do that.
- OK... - Jellyfish are amazing because...
there's a whole system.
Hang on, sorry. There we go.
Watch out, I'm poisonous.
- Stupid. - My hand like that?
- Yep, a bit closer? - All right.
- Smile! - OK.
- It looks great. Smile? - You like it?
It's great.
- Cool. - Yeah.
It would be great if we could shock people like jellyfish when someone pisses us off.
- My parents met like that. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah, on a deserted beach. In southern Portugal.
- My mum got stung by a jellyfish and... - Your dad peed on her?
No. He removed the tentacles with a shell.
- It's so...It's so romantic. - Yeah...
My dad met my mum through his psoriasis.
- Oh, yeah? - It's much less...
- Well, at least, they met. - Yeah...
And so you're here.
And so...
Sorry, I just really want you.
- OK. - I really, really want you.
Yeah, me too.
- Come. - OK.
Dude, I've never seen you drink this much. You OK?
Yes, I'm OK!
Why is everyone asking me that today? I should have stayed in London.
What got into me?
You're supporting me for once and you took a good decision.
- A good decision? - Yes.
I paid him to fuck her and dump her. It's awful.
- We'll figure it out before it's too late. - Can you drop the "we"?
Fate sometimes plays tricks on us.
I wish I had never met you. At least not now.
I've been transferred. Far. Very far. Too far.
I can't say no. You can't say no to Mulhouse.
What?
Those are his lines.
My lines. I'm basically Shakespeare.
Yes, OK, calm down. Yeah!
- See? - Yeah! Yeah...
Yeah...Yes!
Yes! Come on!
Yeah!
- I like this proposition. - It's not even a proposition.
OK, fine, whatever.
- He changed sides. - Don't you think Matthieu is acting weird?
- He left really early. He seems on edge. - Nonsense!
He just digs his hotel.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- Good night! - Good night.
- See you tomorrow! - See you.
Stop!
Where are they?
What are you doing here?
- Shush! - Oh, yeah, shush!
Shush, I said!
Shush! I did shush!
Quiet!
I'll have to charge for the night. What about your hotel?
Don't you have a life in London?
A business? Snobby English friends? A girlfriend? Girlfriends?
Can I sleep here or not?
Yes.
But just a few days. Don't get too comfortable.
OK.
OK?
Nice view.
You OK?
This isn't my place.
I lied to you.
I've been living here since the breakup but...
It was my childhood bedroom, now it's my dad's waiting room.
It was supposed to be temporary
but I never left.
And at work, I feel totally useless.
I work at City Hall but in a basement and my desk is smaller than this bed.
And I snore.
I snore a lot, especially after drinking red wine,
and I follow Titi the Turtle on Instagram and Celine Dion makes me hysterical.
And I'm allergic to prawns. I get a massive rash...on my bum.
Telling you all this is so embarrassing but I don't want...
anymore lies between us.
I hate lies.
When I was little...
I used to stand here...
and imagine leaving on a spaceship through the streets of Paris.
- Are you mad at me? - No.
Of course not.
Everybody lies.
I kept something from you, too.
What?
Fate sometimes plays tricks on us.
Shit...
Listen.
- I have to leave. - What?
I've been offered a job in Mulhouse.
Oh, right, like...
like East? Far?
Far.
Thanks, Department of Education.
It's just better if we end it now.
For both of us.
I'm sorry.
Oh, right, I...
I...
I understand, we...
we hardly know each other, I understand.
It was great.
Really.
I wanted you to know.
Subtitled by: Julia Knapp